Willie: Ok, how about Cameron if it's a boy and Amanda if it's a girl?
Kate: You know, I was thinking if it was a girl, maybe we could name her after my mother.
ALF: You want to name her The Witch of Endor? I've got the perfect name, Rin Tin Tanner.
Willie: You want to name my child after a dog?
ALF: A noble dog. A brave dog. A dog who saved lives. And if it's a girl, we'll call her spuds.
[opening theme song]
[ALF walks in the kitchen and grabs something from the fridge]
Willie: Hi. ALF! [closes the window] What have I told you about being inside the house when there are people here?
ALF: More than I really care to know. [closes the fridge]
Willie: [walks to the counter] Well, go on out to the garage, and don't come back until the workmen have left for the day.
ALF: They've been here for weeks. How long does it take to build a stupid baby nursery anyway?
Willie: [holding a cup] Twice as long as they tell you it's gonna take. [places the cup in the cabinet]
ALF: Why don't you come out with me? We can play pin the tailpipe back on the car. It's not as bad as it sounds. [takes a bite of an onion]
Willie: I'm sorry, I can't right now, ALF. Kate and I are gonna have our first lamaze class this afternoon.
ALF: What's a lamaze class?
Willie: It's where expectant parents rehearse for the baby's birth. Today we're gonna practice breathing.
ALF: Admit it, wilderness. This baby's become an obsession with you.
Willie: [adds flour in a cup] Well, of course it's an obsession. It's the miracle of life. It's the marvel of creation, the mystery of being.
ALF: Congratulations. You're giving birth to an episode of NOVA.
[cut to the dining room]
Kate: [comes in with the bowl] And then, the doctor put the ultrasound machine on my stomach, and we could see the baby's head, and we could see the baby's legs. We even saw its heart beating.
ALF: Please, Kate. Some of us are eating here.
Lynn: Since when have you been squeamish?
ALF: Since Kate started talking about that parasite that's growing and changing inside of her.
Willie: Speaking of parasites, ALF, are you ready for your fifth helping of meat loaf?
ALF: Don't mind if I do.
Brian: When the baby gets here, are we gonna be able to tell it about ALF?
Willie: Well, we'll have to eventually.
Lynn: You know, the funny thing about this baby is that it's going to be growing up with ALF. I mean, to the baby he won't be weird or anything. He'll just be normal.
ALF: Don't mind me. I love being discussed in the third person.
Lynn: Sorry, ALF.
ALF: Just don't let it happen again.
Willie: I'll get it. Hide him. [when ALF starts to leave, Willie opens the door and lets Raquel and Laverne come in] Oh, hi, Raquel. Hey, Laverne.
Raquel: We're sorry to disturb your dinner.
Willie: Oh, we're used to-- I mean, come on in.
Raquel: Oh, and how's the little mommy-to-be?
Kate: Not so little.
Brian: She blocks the whole TV when she walks in front of it.
Raquel: Well, you know the old adage, pregnancy is nature's little way of saying wear a tent.
Willie: I've heard that.
Raquel: We'll only take a moment. It's about the Litwak's house. Isn't it, Laverne? [she and Laverne both swap places]
Laverene: What? Oh, right. Yes, our house. Yes.
Kate: Wh-What about your house, Laverne?
Laverne: Well, we might want to sell it someday, you know. So, I was wondering, well, Kate, since you're in the actual field of real estate, what, um, your thought about that.
Kate: About what?
[Laverne turns around to Raquel]
Raquel: Laverne. Kate could probably get a much better idea of what your house is worth if you take her outside and go over there for at least 5 minutes.
Laverne: [turns around] That would help a lot.
Laverne: [Raquel pushes her and picks up Kate from the chair and she starts walking with her] If you wouldn't mind. You know, just in case we decide to sell it someday.
Kate: Well, all right, Laverne. If it's--if it's that important.
Raquel: Take your time now. Ladies, you know the old adage. Appraise and haste, repent at leisure.
[Kate and Laverne head outside]
Willie: [turns around] That one I hadn't heard.
Raquel: I thought they'd never leave.
Willie: [walks over to Raquel] Well, whatever's up, Raquel?
Raquel: Laverne and I want to throw a surprise baby shower for Kate.
Willie: That's very--
Willie: Of you.
Lynn: A baby shower sounds like fun. I could help.
Raquel: That was the plan. Now, we will bring everything but the refreshments, the decorations, the party favors, and the folding chairs.
Willie: Sounds fair.
Raquel: Well, it's the least auntie Raquel can do. Well, I'll you get back to your dinner. Meatloaf again. [she leaves]
Willie: We like it.
Raquel: Well, to each is own. Tootles. [leaves]
Brian: What's a surprise baby shower?
Willie: [sits down] It's a big pain in the--
Kate: [comes in] So, when's my shower?
Lynn: How did you know?
Kate: [walks to the table] Laverne cracked.
Lynn: Well, at least pretend to be surprised, so you don't hurt auntie Raquel's feelings.
ALF: [comes out] If it's more convenient, I could stay out here, and you could just pitch the rest of my dinner into my mouth.
Willie: Just come back to the table, ALF.
ALF: No thanks. I've heard enough about the Stepford baby.
[cut to the living room where everyone sets up Kate's shower party]
Raquel: [grabs Laverne] Laverne. You're supposed to twist streamers when you hang them.
Laverne: Oh, is that written somewhere?
Raquel: Well, it doesn't have to be written somewhere. If everybody knows something, there's no need to write it.
Laverne: Hazel Herobut was right.
Laverne: Nothing. Nothing.
Lynn: Excuse me. [opens the door]
Andrea: Lynn, hi. [comes in]
Lynn: Hi, come on in. [closes the door] What a thoughtful present. We can practice on this one.
Andrea: I hope you don't mind. The sitter came down with a serious case of concert tickets.
Raquel: [walks over to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought the baby. I suppose that's nice.
[cut to the nursery]
ALF: [looking at the room] So, this is where they're gonna stash the bad seed. I may throw up. Which could only help this wallpaper. [picks up a rattle and shakes it] Oh, great. The incredible expanding woman is home.
[cut to the living room]
Kate: Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
Raquel: How did you know it was our idea?
Kate: Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
Andrea: Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
Lynn: We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
Andrea: Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs]
[cut to the nursery with ALF looking at the ducks]
ALF: Oh, man. Heavy trip.
Lynn: [offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door]
Andrea: [she and Lynn come in the room] Oh, what a cute room.
Andrea: Come on, sweetie. [drops the baby in the crib] There we go.
Lynn: Does he need anything?
Andrea: Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn come out of the room]
[ALF comes out of the closet and starts to meet with the baby]
ALF: [looks at the baby] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, Uchie cuchie little mimi. [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, Whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes a lot]
[fade to black]
[Lynn is in the living room as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs]
Lynn: I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
Kate: [holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[when ALF is still sneezing, Lynn comes in]
ALF: Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
Lynn: What is the matter with you?
ALF: I'm allergic to babies.
Lynn: ALF, that is ridiculous.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Watch. [comes up to the baby and sneezes 3 times] See, allergic to babies.
Kate: [comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
ALF: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
ALF: I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
Kate: We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
ALF: [sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [Lynn gives him a diaper and he sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[cut to Trevor and Raquel's house]
Jake: [comes in his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [throws his red cloth on ALF]
ALF: [comes out from the closet and takes the cloth off] Thanks.
Jake: ALF, what are you doing in here?
ALF: I've run away from garage.
Jake: What are you talking about?
ALF: Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
Jake: What happened?
ALF: I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
Jake: You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [he grabs ALF but refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
ALF: I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
Jake: ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
ALF: Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
Jake: ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
ALF: We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
[cut to the Tanner's house]
Woman #1: Oh, it's so cute.
Woman #2: So, when are you going to break down and have one of your own?
Woman #1: Oh, please. I can't even grow plants. I'm sorry to be a wet blanket, but I really do have a plane to catch.
Kate: Oh, honey, thank you so much for coming all this way. [opens the door]
Woman #1: I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Raquel: [she and Laverne get ready to leave] A 7 year old knows that you're supposed to twist streamers when you hang them.
Laverne: Well then, next time you want to throw a baby shower, get a 7 year old to help you.
Raquel: Don't think I won't.
Laverne: You still owe me for that plastic stork. [they both leave the house]
[cut to the kitchen where Brian and Willie are cleaning up]
Brian: Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Willie: Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Brian: Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
Willie: I don't know. I don't know nothing.
Jake: [offscreen] Yo.
Willie: Yeah, come on in.
Jake: [comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Brian: Hi, Jake.
Willie: Hello, Jake. What's up?
Jake: Well, uh-
Willie: Something wrong?
Jake: Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
Willie: What, did you lose something?
Jake: Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
Brian: I win.
Willie: How do you know he's missing?
Jake: I found him.
Willie: Where is he?
Jake: My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks]
[ALF is at Jake's room]
ALF: [throws a cloth on the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
Willie: [opens the door] ALF? What are you doing?
ALF: All that I can with these pieces.
Willie: Come home with me this instant!
ALF: I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
Willie: [comes in] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
ALF: Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Willie: Why would you want to live here?
ALF: What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
Willie: "B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
ALF: [sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
Willie: [sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
ALF: Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Willie: Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
ALF: Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Willie: Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
ALF: "Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
Willie: It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
ALF: Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Willie: Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
ALF: Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
Willie: You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
ALF: On whose behalf are you speaking?
Willie: Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
ALF: Yeah? And?
Willie: And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
ALF: Her own unique way--
Willie: She loves you.
ALF: You mean that?
Willie: No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
ALF: Well--well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
Willie: But what?
ALF: But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
Willie: Forget it.
Raquel: [offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
Willie: ALF, hide!
ALF: No kidding, Willie.
[Willie coves ALF with a blanket]
Raquel: [opens the door] Hello, Willie.
Willie: Oh, hello, Raquel.
Raquel: What are you doing here?
Willie: Oh, just looking for our cat.
Raquel: Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [closes the door]
Willie: Have a nice day.
ALF: [comes out of the blanket] Let's go home and burp the baby!
Willie: The baby's not even born yet.
ALF: Then let's just go home and burp!
[scene fades to black]
[ALF is sent back home in his room]
Kate: [reading a book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
ALF: Can I sit on your lap?
Kate: I'd rather you didn't.
Lynn: [comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
ALF: Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
Lynn: ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
ALF: I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Lynn: Want me to?
ALF: Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
Lynn: That's very nice of you, ALF.
ALF: I know.
Lynn: Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves]
ALF: I can't wait to see how this turns out.